DAE
So the things, the... kind of the overall things I was thinking was that I didn't want the feeling that this would just go on. I felt, "Okay, I'll do a blog as long as I have something to say," so this could be a finite thing. You know? That's kind of my feeling, and in some ways, I feel better about it not thinking that, oh, this will go on forever and ever and ever, and however often I do it, weekly or monthly or whatever, and I'll have to think of things, what to say and all that. So, at any rate, I think it helps my personality to say, "Okay, this will be finite. It'll only be until I have nothing more to say." So I like that.
Then the other question that came to mind was now that I've done a lot of things and can acknowledge what I've got in all of these things, like working with you, Shari, or taking courses from Landmark, Adyashanti, the Enneagram. And so I wanted to acknowledge them because it's certainly not that this is something that I have... these things are things I have thought up. So I wanted to acknowledge them, but then I started to think, "Okay, but then there's...all of these, many of these things are copyrighted, so then, they say, "Well, if you wanna use quotes or whatever, you need to get permission." So then I'm thinking, "Okay, well then, I need to look into that to see to what extent do I have to do that." I mean, I certainly want to acknowledge them, but if it means I have to send to them in advance what I'm gonna say and then they say whether, "Oh, no, you can't say that," or, "We don't want you to do this or that." You know, I don't really know much about how to do that, at any rate. So, there's that thing. That's true. But some of it is that I'm paraphrasing, Hmm. All right.
Well, I'll think about that more. Well, I'll just kinda look into it more to just see, whatever.
I mean or it could be at the beginning I just say,
"This is a conglomeration of various things I did, and to, for me to share with... what was helpful for me and for you to decide whether that's helpful for you."
The other thing too is I was looking for something else and I came across the email that Adyashanti sent out. It was two years ago when he decided he was going to retire. I was re-reading it and a lot of what I appreciated about him was that he said, "It's for you to find your own authentic way. I'm just here more as a guide or a coach," like you, Shari. "And I'm here to just,answer any questions you might have and share, but it's for you to say whether this is useful for you or not." And I was kinda surprised with Adyashanti because in a lot of the things that I've done, I have made myself useful as an Enneagram Five would, to them, and I never had the urge to do that with Adyashanti. I volunteered a lot with Landmark. I volunteered a lot with, the Enneagram, the people who were doing the Enneagram panels. I volunteered a lot with, with you, but there was something... With Adyashanti I did not do that. And his organization depended on volunteers to help put on things and all of that. And I never had that strong urge that I did for these other things. And I think maybe it was part of how he was being in that I just somehow was not drawn to do that. And he said,
"Do what you're drawn to do. Don't do what you're not drawn to do, and work it out for yourself." And he said, "
For people who he believed in, like Jesus as being a teacher. He said to people who had religious beliefs...that is a way for them, but he said, "Ultimately, whatever path you choose, you'll come to the point where it's you, it's just you, and what you see as authentic for you, and not based on what anyone else has said about what should be right or wrong for you. "You know all of these things we use them as long as they support us, but we'll come to a point where it's you and what you have gathered." I really enjoyed the time with Adyashanti. There were a lot of retreats. I must've done four or five for a few years, and then I just stopped. And it's to take on- in what he had to say that, we are and I think you would say the same, we are the ones. If you're in touch with your authentic being, that's all you need. That is your guide, you know, and your compass is a way for you to find out what is authentically going on with you. And so, I really appreciate that, so I don't feel like I'm saying to someone, "Oh, you have to do what I did." In fact, what Adyashanti said, once he had his enlightenment, he realized none of what he did was really, quote, "necessary," you know? And one time, I asked him a question at a retreat. I said, "Well, is it grace or is it, you know, efforting? Grit? Is it grace or grit?" And he said, "We don't know." So it's not to say, His was- his was grit. He worked hard. He set himself up in the toolshed in the backyard and he'd spend hours there meditating. You know what I mean? He worked hard at it, but he realized that's not necessary. It may still be your path or it may be grace.
I feel like my path has been grace. It's been brought to me and, in a way, forced on me, despite the objections of my personality. It's more like, "Okay, you're gonna do this now. Okay, you're gonna do this now." So I feel like my path has been more grace than grit, but that, you know, none of us knows what it is and it's sort of to get the support that we need on the way to find out what is authentic for us. Adyashanti said it came to him to know, it was time for him not to teach anymore. He had the urge to teach, so he did and then he had a lot of physical pain and problems. Where he said he could see just from the constant pain that he had had, it finally got itself taken care of, but he could see that he had post traumatic stress syndrome from having dealt with that so long and it was time for him to take care of himself mentally and physically. And so, he turned over the teaching, and luckily his wife, it was her calling to take on being the main teacher for, you know, for Open Gate Sangha. I really feel strongly, and appreciate that he didn't, that it was not him to say, "Well, just do what I say," or, "Here's the path for you to follow." It's like, "I'm here to kinda help you find out what is your path," and to say, "Well, what is that deeper self that wants to be expressed?" That you know and that's what we should be true in ourselves too. I mean, I think that's the path to pay less attention to what our personalities say. "Okay, these are the laws that you have to follow to be safe. I'm in control and I'm gonna tell you how you can be safe, and just do what I say. Even though it's the same thing over and over again, and even if it never works out, that's the law of the personality." And to see, "Well, if my personality is a robot and keeps saying the same things over and over again, who am I really?" You know? And to- to look and see what else is there? What other moments do I have besides the ones that my personality tries to rule? Well, one thing that Adyashanti said, in some ways I use ego and personality interchangeably, and he said that ego is not a noun, it's a verb. And so basically, it's what we keep doing. It's that we've had—personality or ego as a collection of habits that we have, and it seems when the personality says, "Here are these habits. You've got to keep them up"
When I was young, it felt like it was a law. I could not do otherwise. I couldn't figure out that there was any other way except for what my personality was saying, "This is how it should be," you know? "Don't ask your parents for anything." And one time when I had to, 'cause it was something that was beyond what I could do, some copper wire to make something for school. I just started to cry because I couldn't do it. I didn't even say, "Help me," and my parents said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "Because I can't...I don't have what I need to do this project." My dad took me to RadioShack, we bought the copper wire and it was not a big deal to them, and to me I felt ashamed that I had to ask them for anything. That's how strong it was to me, the law of my personality. To see how to be guided, I think, by my authentic self to see-... that I had more freedom than my personality would admit. I can see that has been my path. Until now.
My personality has certainly softened but it's certainly not like it's gone away and I don't think it ever goes away. But I don't take it seriously. I don't consider what my personality's opinions are as being the law anymore. They are more like little subtitles that I notice are there, but I'm not compelled to feel like I have to obey them. And to me, that's sort of like reaching enlightenment. It's the little cracks...moment by moment but it's part of your daily life. It's not like you go off into a cave on the mountainside and you stay there for two or three years, and by force of your, whatever, concentration, you're gonna break through. It's more, to me, well, more of a natural process. And Adyashanti said, "Enlightenment is the easiest thing," which I didn't believe at the time. But I can see that if you can sort of orient yourself to the moments of enlightenment that you have all the time, it is an easy thing. It's just that you start to notice that authentic self, you start being that authentic self more and more and more and more. And it can kind of like, creep, creep-onto you or, you find yourself, even when your personality is acting up, there's a part of you that's observing and saying, "Wow, look at that. You're really caught in that, aren't you?" And because it's not about not feeling or expressing what's coming up, the energy that's coming up. It's experiencing it with the intention you're letting that energy go. Then you'll be free of that energy, and maybe it'll come up later, but that doesn't mean you failed the first time. It means there was more there than you thought to experience and let go. I can tell now the energy of when it's coming from my personality about what I should or should not do. And in fact, you know, your authentic self is not a question of should I. It's a question of being drawn to something, you know? And to notice being drawn even if your personality is kicking and screaming and saying, "No, no, I don't wanna go there." To be able to distinguish what is the energy of the authentic self versus what is the energy of the personality. I can tell there's sort of a sharpness, a sense of, survival about what your personality is telling you. You gotta do this or else, you won't survive in some way. Adyashanti says, when your authentic self is calling to you, it's the thing for which you have no reason. There's kind of like no reason to do it, no reason to not do it, but you're being called forth to do something.
So I think that's what I have to say about personality and ego and enlightenment.